Darling Brian (husband extraordinaire) finished physical therapy the other day and suggested that I return to school to become a licensed therapist. After wondering what the hell he was thinking, I reminded him, in the midst of my I-just-finished-a-doctorate-and-never-want-to-take-a-class-for-credit-again rant, that I have well over 200 credit hours on my transcripts. Then I actually counted my credit hours (a little OCD, I know) and figured out that I have 216 credits to my name; a fact which confirmed that I don’t intend to accrue more. But counting those 216 credits led to my contemplating the professors who taught them. And thinking about those professors (most of whom were/are employed at a PAC-10 university and made/make a living projecting perfectly politically correct personae) made me wonder how many of them walk the talk or, instead, are really just like Justin Halpern’s dad in Sh*t My Dad Says.
When we, the general public, meet Halpern’s dad, he is an already retired University of California, San Diego (UCSD) medical school professor; a well-published and highly respected academic. But he doesn’t fit the stereotype. Here are just a few of Dr. Halpern’s personal pearls of wisdom:
• “You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of your life.”
• “Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don’t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.”
• “Cheating’s not easy. You probably think it is, but it ain’t. I bet you’d suck more at cheating than whatever it was you were trying to do legitimately.”
Basically, what Justin Halpern has done here is to track and Twitter and brilliantly wrap his dad’s utterances into a book of incredibly crass yet hilarious life lessons. Reading it made me wonder why I didn't think of doing something like this with my own family's adages? I digress.
Anyway, since Dr. Halpern and I made similar career choices, I wondered what he’d say to Darling Brian after hearing his suggestion that I return to school. I bet it would be something like this:
“You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.”
And to me about starting my tenth year in higher education this fall:
“It’s just, I’m having trouble wrapping my head around it. I mean, they gave you money to do this. YOU. Amazing.”
Thanks, Dr. Halpern. :)
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
My Fair Lazy (Jen Lancaster)
The more I read Jen Lancaster, the more I realize that she and I are really the same person occupying two different bodies, married to two different husbands, living in two different states. Impossible, you say? Just read a few of our similarities below:
1. We are writers. Well, Jen is the real writer. I am a former English teacher who occasionally teaches writing and I’m a blogger and that’s close enough.
2. Both of us reinvented ourselves after unfortunate ends to our respective stints in corporate America. Jen: see #1. Di: university professor.
3. Both of us prefer our new lives over our former corporate ones and our pets to most people.
4. Neither of us can decide which Chicago-area lifestyle is more fabulous: city or north shore suburbia and can make a case for each.
5. We can quote 25 year-old Tom Cruise movies, yet cannot articulate our reasons for liking or disliking fine art without being prompted. "Looks like it's University of Illinois!"
6. We worship Candace Bushnell.
7. Both of us appreciate the bizarre combination of dessert and bacon (Jen: doughnut, Di: chocolate bar).
8. Both of us are at our creative best while irritated.
9. We don’t suffer fools and may owe some apologies as a result.
10. We often engage in too-candid verbal expression which exacerbates #9.
11. We spend far too much energy on choosing the ensemble and not nearly enough on the event we attend while wearing the ensemble.
12. We are prudishly troubled by (our own and others’) nudity.
13. We find it nearly impossible to relax during a massage (see #12).
14. We hate traveling alone.
15. We are obsessed with the Twilight saga.
16. We are conservatives whose friends are, mostly, liberal (and how the hell did that happen?).
17. We buy shoes, photograph them, and post the photos on our websites (Jen: http://www.jennsylvania.com/ , Di: my Facebook page—Sorry, if you aren’t already my “friend”, you don’t get to see the shoes).
18. We both wear Crocs (Jen: all colors, Di: ASU Maroon and Gold with Sparky on the side) despite our inherent taste for couture.
19. We both rely on “asides” to convey even more personal commentary than is possible in one side of a normal person’s conversation.*
20. Both of us are married to saints (Jen: Fletch, Di: Brian) whose military training and service adequately prepared them for the patience required to endure our neuroses and adore us despite all of them.
*Fabulous!
Convinced yet? I report. You decide.
1. We are writers. Well, Jen is the real writer. I am a former English teacher who occasionally teaches writing and I’m a blogger and that’s close enough.
2. Both of us reinvented ourselves after unfortunate ends to our respective stints in corporate America. Jen: see #1. Di: university professor.
3. Both of us prefer our new lives over our former corporate ones and our pets to most people.
4. Neither of us can decide which Chicago-area lifestyle is more fabulous: city or north shore suburbia and can make a case for each.
5. We can quote 25 year-old Tom Cruise movies, yet cannot articulate our reasons for liking or disliking fine art without being prompted. "Looks like it's University of Illinois!"
6. We worship Candace Bushnell.
7. Both of us appreciate the bizarre combination of dessert and bacon (Jen: doughnut, Di: chocolate bar).
8. Both of us are at our creative best while irritated.
9. We don’t suffer fools and may owe some apologies as a result.
10. We often engage in too-candid verbal expression which exacerbates #9.
11. We spend far too much energy on choosing the ensemble and not nearly enough on the event we attend while wearing the ensemble.
12. We are prudishly troubled by (our own and others’) nudity.
13. We find it nearly impossible to relax during a massage (see #12).
14. We hate traveling alone.
15. We are obsessed with the Twilight saga.
16. We are conservatives whose friends are, mostly, liberal (and how the hell did that happen?).
17. We buy shoes, photograph them, and post the photos on our websites (Jen: http://www.jennsylvania.com/ , Di: my Facebook page—Sorry, if you aren’t already my “friend”, you don’t get to see the shoes).
18. We both wear Crocs (Jen: all colors, Di: ASU Maroon and Gold with Sparky on the side) despite our inherent taste for couture.
19. We both rely on “asides” to convey even more personal commentary than is possible in one side of a normal person’s conversation.*
20. Both of us are married to saints (Jen: Fletch, Di: Brian) whose military training and service adequately prepared them for the patience required to endure our neuroses and adore us despite all of them.
*Fabulous!
Convinced yet? I report. You decide.
